Moments with Marri

I heard a sermon this past summer at an A29 conference for pastors and wives. It spoke about the gap between what we are capable of doing and what is actually demanded of us in this world as lovers of Jesus. I am feeling it, wearing it. Lump in my throat for more reasons than one. My heart just feels heavy, burdened. Gotta deal. No more running. Truth is, I have traveled down many roads to make sense of the weight of things. Sometimes the sorrow I feel is so encompassing, it is difficult to see past it. Other times, knowing the gravity can consume me I refuse it the warranted attention. I have found that the easy road for me has been anger, bitterness, pride, criticism, and fear. I like walls between me and anything or anyone that makes me deal with how completely inept I am at doing the holy life. The truth is, the gap I feel sometimes feels like oceans to me. But, oh the glory and majesty of Jesus is my great reminder that He has made a way for me. He has bridged the ga...

Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I really like you. I have been reading about brokenness. It is good. I am learning that my stubborn sense of 'Git R' Done' is not really the best way to do things. I often find myself with such pride and self-righteousness begrudgingly doing things for people. It doesn't really matter who it is, but it is done with anger or bitterness and with the notion that noone else could do it quite as good as I can. Suck. Busted. Here I am again, weary for the billionth time and feeling bitter. I am nasty to be around and I wear a nasty grimace for the better part of the day. My love tries to embrace me and I scowl. Yuck. I am Mrs. Yuck. Then, I read Nancy Leigh DeMoss. I need it. I need repentance, confession, and brokenness. Yep, you bet! It is hard and sour to taste sometimes. I need it. I long to lay down my burdens, my sin, my worries and concerns before my King. I want to serve Him with my whole heart, even when my kids have explosive p...

Jason and I headed down to Mitchell, Indiana yesterday to hang out and connect with some folks from Grace Bible Church. Dave and Carol Mikulsky showed us around Spring Mill, loved on our kids, and extended warmth and grace to us Hamptons. It is so cool to me that in the midst of planting Redemption Hill Church that God has sent people like Dave and Carol into our lives to encourage us. Jason really enjoys the wisdom and care that Dave has offered to him. A few weeks ago, they traveled together to an A29 Regional event and when Jason returned and gave me the brief overview of his time away from home, he told me that Darrin Patrick's teaching was really great but spending time with Dave was like 'honey to his soul'. Now, if you know my Jason you know that these are not words that come easily by him. He is not a poetic dude overall, nor is he a guy that is really into fluffy or flattering words. What I understood from this conversation was that Dave Mikulsky had poured ...

I woke up this morning with what felt like 20 extra lbs all over. I didn't feel sick just really tired. I need sleep. My baby girl is still waking up about 2-3 times per night. She eats so much at night that I've had a hard time attempting to change that. I'm just worn out. You know that morning when every landing of your feet feels like a 'thud, thud'. That was how I felt. So I get up this morning to get my baby girl from her bed to feed her. Each step takes a little extra effort but you gotta do what you gotta do right? We settle back into bed for her morning nurse. She has the sweetest little waking up faces. Even with her hazy eyes she is a determined little thing to see me and smile in the morning. Her little smile just lights up the room. We enjoyed our little Momma-Sweet pea time and it was time to get moving. So I get her dressed. I did change her about three times. Poor girl. As indecisive as I was this morning she coped well. Anyhow, she ...

I can't get over it. I find so much joy and delight in that boy. Tonight we got him to bed so late. He just laid down and it is 10:25pm. I'm cool with that because he'll sleep in and it'll be good. Most kids though would be way past melt down mode. Not my Calvin. We did our night time routine. Daddy always prays over him. He nuzzles his little face into his Daddy's chest and holds his monkey. He squirms a little and I wrap my arms around my boys as my love prays over our child. Beautiful. Then, Jason lays him in my arms and places his arms underneath of mine. We face eachother with our son laying in our arms and sing a worship song. Most of the time it is 'Jesus Loves Me', but tonight we sang 'I Love You Lord'. He was especially sweet tonight. He looked to his Daddy to join in with me as we sang those words. I love you Lord And I lift my voice To worship You O my soul Rejoice Take joy my King In what You hear May it be a sweet, sweet ...

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." The Problem of Pain - C.S. Lewis I won't lie. I am struggling deeply with the montrosity of this thing called suffering. I can answer some questions in my head about why my precious Savior allows such things, but really I just know that I'm skimming the top of the depths by which His mysteries are known. My heart struggles in ways I don't even know how to express. If you don't know me, I am a nurse. I work on the Stem Cell Transplant Unit at Riley Children's Hospital. Simply put, we do bone marrow transplants for children with cancer predominately. It is hard, sad and gut-wrenching at times but so full of hope too. Anyway, this is only a piece of the pie for why I find myself in the center of this struggle, but nonetheless it is one reason I find my heart so full of questions and pain. Really, I am just not open enoug...

I came home from work yesterday to find my mother-in-law with a little trinkle of sweat on her cheek. She always has a huge smile on her face and she says, "Man, my back is really sore." I inquire, "Why?" She responds, "Well, I think it is because I did all of your laundry, so I did the stairs quite a bit." And then I think I heard the trumpets sound and angels sing. I mean, that may be small to some but I have two babies under the age of two. I probably had at least 10 loads of laundry. This is HUGE! My laundry hasn't been caught up since before Lydia was born and she is 14 weeks old. It was close about two months ago when my Granny and Mom came over and finished all but a few loads, but I am ashamed to say I still never had empty baskets. Anyway, it gets better! I KNOW! Then I look to the counter and dinner is cooked AND she proceeds to tell me that both kids are bathed and pretty much ready for bed. I have to say here, this is a moment w...