Moments with Marri

My knees are healing.   CPR wounded me, in more ways than one.  I feel guilty and sad that they are healing.   Those abrasions and bruises connect me to my boy.   Those moments, forcing Haddy's heart to beat as I knelt over him on the concrete, were part of my fight to keep him here.   My prayers were too, but God in His sovereignty said no.   I can reason that it does no good to feel guilty.   I still do.   My muscles are no longer sore and my skin is nearly healed.   It has been eight days since I pulled his lifeless body from the pool.   Those images linger in my mind.   Sleep evades me.   My chest is always aching and it feels difficult to breathe.   I am weak. I want to share a sweet truth God whispered into my soul back in 2015 while He was forming Haddy in my womb.   This is tender and true.   I don't feel all of the implications of this truth just yet, but I cling.   I cling to the One who e...

This story is a hard one to tell.  I don't believe that I have to share it, but I also understand that many, many people have questions when a little one dies.  So, I will share it with the hope that your hearts will settle into the One who can lift up your soul.  I know that Haddy's death, whether you knew him or not, leaves a terribly unsettling feeling.  I want your heart to be nestled into the Father for such a time as this. July 4, 2018, my 38th birthday began with a plan.  Our dear friends, the Dickensons, asked us to go to the pool of a friend of theirs.  We love water.  We spend as much time as we can near or in it.  Both of our families had asked a few others to join us.  We got there around 1 p.m.  We played, we swam, we talked, we laughed.  It was incredibly tender and dear.  Our conversations were our normal.  We laugh, tease, play, but in an instant one of us may be talking about something deep and meaningfu...

Jason's post on Facebook has prompted many of you to lovingly reach out to us.  Thank you for that!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Your kindness and care is felt and so appreciated! I truly need to give a little history in order to explain the gravity that we feel when it comes to Lydia's vision (and Knox's for that matter).  We've been sitting in a whole lot of mystery for a very long time with those two.  It began with Lydia at the age of 15 months.  She had nystagmus from birth that never resolved and seemed to worsen around that age.  We visited our pediatrician, who referred us to Riley for an MRI to rule out a brain tumor.  That was clean and we shortly followed up with our ophthalmologist.  He was quickly puzzled by her anatomy and sent us to a world-renown retinal specialist in Michigan.  She and Knox have both been through a significant amount of testing.  Our Michigan specialist put them in a research study and intended t...

This was written 6/29/15, the day after Jason resigned from RHC. Jason resigned.  Yep, it hurts to even type it.  It hurts because we have loved so much at Redemption Hill Church.  We are invested.  All of us.  Every little bit of us.  My heart is raw and my sorrow is deep.  Some moments my heart is so heavy within me that the mundane feels impossible.  Ordering pizza, finding bottles, shampooing hair feels so strange with my heart so heavy.  Then, one of my children smiles or I turn to do something and it is already finished by Jason.  In those moments I realize, this heart hanging outside of my body feeling is good.  Jason's smile has changed.  It creeps into the corners of his eyes like before.  My Jason made a wise, hard choice.  He sent me a link recently to a powerful article written by Ray Ortlund that has come back to my heart and mind so much recently.  The punch line is that ministry isn't everything,...

I'm in my head today.  Journey with me to October 8th, 2014 5am...ish. It was dark and my house was quiet.  Like so many nights before it, I was restless and so very ready to give birth to this baby girl.  Ten days before my due date, I still just longed to get her out of my body and see her sweet face.  It is no secret that pregnancy is just not my favorite thing.  Although I am in awe at the goodness of God to allow me to be pregnant and the sheer majesty of His workmanship inside of my body over the course of those 9 months, I just feel pretty miserable, but I digress.  As I laid there afraid to hope that this feeling I had would produce a real contraction, I decided a hot bath would at least help me to relax.  So I drew a bath and slipped into the quietness of many moments and thoughts before.  The dark stillness was and is my space and place for prayer and reflection.  I sunk my heart, body, mind and soul into Christ in that tub. ...

It has been too long since my last blog.  I enjoy it and it is such an outlet for me.  Today's tidbits will entail the details of our journey with Lydia and Knox who are visually impaired.  Many of you know this journey well but right now we are in the thick of things again it just does my heart well to write.  So here goes... Each year we see our Indy ophthalmologist twice per year for regular vision checks to ensure that neither of them have lost any vision.  On that front, so far so good.  In February and March we took both Lydia and Knox to see Dr. H at the University of Michigan Kellogg Eye Center.  He is a brilliant physician and retinal specialist.  His bedside manner is not always the best but he is a world-renown specialist.  For Lydia's visit, Dr. H still seemed a bit puzzled by the results of her testing and was hopeful that by seeing Knox, we could move in some direction toward genetic testing.  So far, she still presents...

For my Jason. You are beyond my wildest dreams.  Full of sweet conviction and grace.  Your wisdom has been a beacon of hope and light to me.  You remind me to worship more fully because of the overflow of peace and joy from your worship of our great God.  You have poured out yourself as an offering to God on my behalf.  I know it comes as a great expense at times but I am ever grateful for the gift of you.  Leading me to truth, to Jesus, to hope, to Jesus, to live because of Jesus.  Your gentle spirit, tender hands, and determined heart have lead me towards freedom in Christ.  Your strength has been a shelter for me in my great weakness.  You never stop at letting me hide only in you but take me to Christ, the living well that will never run dry.  You remind me that only He can quench.  You are real, repentant, and kind to me.  Thank you my love.  Thank you for all that you do and all that you are.  I rejoice over y...