Moments with Marri

Yesterday, Lydia and Selah put on their swimsuits and proceeded to pretend to go swimming.  They were delighted, squealing and chattering as they swept their arms through the air as if they were gliding through water.  They delighted us too, their sweet little voices filling the house as they cheered each other on in their adventure.  Their joy, their grins were captivating and contagious. Unfortunately, if I am really honest, I am afraid and so triggered by most things surrounding water.  The pool, the smell of chlorine, my own swimsuit, puddle jumpers, pictures and videos of my Haddy swimming, and so many other things incite uncontrollable reactions within me.  Heavens, the list is longer than I care to share.  Although I have seen improvement in the severity of my reactions, my heartbeat quickens, my chest feels tight, and my stomach turns into knots.  Sometimes I get nauseous.  Occasionally, I have panic attacks and weep uncontrollably.  I wish I had more of

From yesterday afternoon:   I’m listening to the warm sound of chimes on my back porch.  My kids are preparing to go to their grandparent’s house.  We just finished school for today.  We are reading an intense fantasy book together by N.D. Wilson called Outlaws of Time.  It is a little dark and foreboding so far, but with an undertone of hope that surely something good will come in the midst of tragedy.  I suppose the intimacy and snuggles we experience as we read are a stark contrast to the content of the book and to the world around me in so many ways.  For that, I truly rejoice. The former me may have put this book away and saved it for when my kids were older, more prepared for the weight of it, but now I feel so differently.  I can’t shield them from pain.  That treacherous day six months ago has taught me that.  As much caution and planning as we do, I never imagined this could happen to me, the death of my son, but here I am sitting in the bitter providence of this lot.