Hopeful Expectation-Welcoming Selah Grace

I'm in my head today.  Journey with me to October 8th, 2014 5am...ish.

It was dark and my house was quiet.  Like so many nights before it, I was restless and so very ready to give birth to this baby girl.  Ten days before my due date, I still just longed to get her out of my body and see her sweet face.  It is no secret that pregnancy is just not my favorite thing.  Although I am in awe at the goodness of God to allow me to be pregnant and the sheer majesty of His workmanship inside of my body over the course of those 9 months, I just feel pretty miserable, but I digress.  As I laid there afraid to hope that this feeling I had would produce a real contraction, I decided a hot bath would at least help me to relax.  So I drew a bath and slipped into the quietness of many moments and thoughts before.  The dark stillness was and is my space and place for prayer and reflection.  I sunk my heart, body, mind and soul into Christ in that tub.  I cried for her to come and asked my Lord for so many things in the solitude.  Precious preparation given to me by God.  

By 7am I knew that my contractions were productive, labor producing.  I woke Jason and told him it was time.  He made some necessary phone calls and I began to gather our things.  Jessica, our dear friend, made her way to our house to care for our kids while my mother-in-law made her way to our house and my sister headed toward the hospital.  I remember the fear in my kids eyes as I bent over in pain with each contraction.  I reassured them and packed things like a mad woman.  Jason, as always, kept urging me toward the door.  He always does.  He doesn't care what is in that bag or if our kids are prepared to leave for their grandparents because he knows everyone else is capable of helping us in those ways.  He is right, but there is just something about doing all of that motherly preparation that eases my heart and mind as I send those three little people to be cared for by someone else.  It is as if my doing those things will convince all of us that all will be okay in the mystery of hopeful expectation.  I have said this many times...  Although giving birth is natural and given by God, it is still dangerous.  We all know this.  Each one of our eyes told that story this particular morning.  I finally made my way to the car and by the time I was ready, Jason wasn't.  I remember sitting in that car waiting for my love and wanting to cuss at him.  Instead, I laughed at myself and thanked God for my feeble form.  Quickly though, my contractions were about one minute apart and I feared this labor could be very short.  Although it felt like an eternity, Jason quickly made his way to the car and we headed to Methodist.  

By 9:30am we arrived at the hospital and checked in.  I remember the nurse practitioner that checked us in so vividly.  She was warm and affirming.  She acknowledged my experience as a fourth time mother but it wasn't that statement that put me at ease.  I could tell by her posture, language and demeanor that she had delivered many babies but it was simply her non-pretentious, welcoming that helped me to relax and trust the goodness of God in that moment.  Jason was finally by my side again after a few minutes alone while I got checked in (that felt like an eternity) and I knew Shell would be there shortly.  You see, natural childbirth isn't a soapbox for me or a space to parade my strength.  On the contrary, after the fourth child I have finally gathered this piece that draws me to it.  It is the humility, the humanity of it.  I find myself every time in those meditative, quiet moments facing mountainous fear and terrifying pain.  I also find myself drawing near to God and trusting in His sweet providence.  My stubborn pride melts into something otherly and what flows from my lips for those serving me is gratitude.  I ask for help and receive more than my heart can hold from both God and my people, my tribe.  The love I feel in those moments surrounding my birth both from those in the hospital and those outside of it who offer themselves for me, for us just astounds me.  I feel completely lavished with love.  The luxury, the richness of it is just an evidence of my good God.

After the obligatory labs, interview and assessment piece was complete, we made our way into our room.   From the moment we hit the parking garage, I longed for that big tub full of hot water to help ease the pain and I knew I could soon make my way into it.  At this point, the staff allowed my sister to come back and she helped me to get my swim suit top on.  Initially my thoughts were so full of anxiety and fear.  What if something happens to her?  Or me?  Would my family be okay?  Oh Lord, what if your providence is that you take Selah home with you on this day?  What if her sweet name was chosen for the truth it would teach me through pain?  Oh Lord, let her sweet name be a lesson to me by a long life of loving her!  Those familiar thoughts kept coming faster and feeling weightier.  Within moments though, Shell had essential oils on my forehead, neck, and temples for anxiety and had other essential oils on her hands held in front of my nose for nausea.  She also had ice chips ready for me between every contraction.  One of the sweetest memories from each and every delivery are her hands.  Her hands move like my Momma's and she anticipates every need of mine just like my Momma.  Without my Momma here this time, her hands take extra special care of me.  She always hides those hands and says something about them being ugly.  Those hands are beautiful and have been a tool for so much love.  She uses them so beautifully and as I looked at them, smelled her oil drenched hands, I felt covered, embraced, wrapped in her love, God's love.  I look to my right after each contraction and there they are serving, massaging, loving, giving, helping.  I look to my left and my pillar of strength is there to affirm, encourage and kiss my head.  My Jason's eyes and mine connect over and over as if to get another dose of strength.  Words aren't needed between us in this stillness, this waiting.  Those beautiful, honest eyes remind me of the goodness of God and His provision.  I know where my leader finds his strength and where he will point me to.  I know he sees my desperation and pain.  Those eyes drink in my fear, my doubts, my anxiety and return belief, hope, and expectation of God's goodness.  He has never been one to promote giving false hope but his heart is so in love with Jesus that good things just flow freely from it.  This day I see that sweet hopeful expectation of the blessing that is to come.  He is full of patience and gives me quiet affirmation and encouragement.  Both Jason and Shell served me selflessly.  They helped me in and out of the bathroom and in and out of every contraction.  The nurses come and go quietly with Jason and Shell doing most of the communicating as they prepare and start my vancomycin due to my being GBS+, check on me, and ask if I need anything.  Jason and Shell never left my side.  April, my dear friend and photographer slipped in quietly at some point and started taking pictures so respectfully.  My contractions stayed about one minute apart for the next few hours.  That labor was so intense.  I remember pleading with God, 'How long oh Lord?  I don't think I can do much more.'  When the nurse finally came in to stop the vancomycin she had hung earlier, I was so hopeful that the midwife would check me and consider breaking my water.  The vancomycin was overfilled though and it had to finish and then flush.  The inner-commentary quickly moved from meditative and worshipful to ugly!  My pain started getting out of hand and I realized I had to submit each detail to the Lord and trust Him for His provision.  So I moved back into the rhythm of rocking from sitting in the tub to leaning over the edge as I contracted to take pressure off of my back.  Jason and Shell continued to massage my back, offer essential oils and ice chips, and encourage me.  Thirty minutes later the vancomycin was done and shortly thereafter the midwife was tubside.  I moved with fierce contractions to the bed where she broke my water.  It was 12:20pm.  The pain was incredibly intense and I hobbled with help back to the tub.  As I shifted forward in a contraction, I felt Selah's head drop right into position to push and I froze.  I remember moaning with great pain and muttering something about her coming.  Here I was so close to giving birth to this baby and I felt like a flopping fish in this crazy tub.  My thoughts were out of control.  What am I doing?  I can't do this!  Where do I put my body in this thing?  The midwife quickly saw my frozen posture and guided me to lean over the back of the tub and deliver on my knees in the water.  With the urge to push, I gave one hard but short push.  I still felt completely awkward like I would surely slip and fall face first into the tub.  I needed a place to apply counter pressure with my arms as I contracted and I felt so unsure.  Within seconds, I had hands guiding my arms and bracing me.  I felt relieved, even hopeful.  I heard my midwife's voice gently say, "Go ahead and push."  I did and I heard gasps of joy as the nurses saw her head.  The crowd was so affirming and encouraging.  I remember Christine, my midwife, asking Jason if he wanted to deliver our baby and his attempt at a polite decline.  I am just sure that my face didn't smile but my heart had a huge smile in that moment.  The pain was still fiercely overwhelming, even terrifying.  I clamped down a bit but quickly was encouraged to relax my body, my legs.  The midwife said her shoulders where quite large and that I would need to give one more strong push.  I did and then, sweet relief.  She came from under the water as Jason guided her into my arms.  I sat in complete awe of God in that tub and looked into the face of my Selah Grace.  She was calm and quiet which scared me a bit.  The midwife told me that waterbirth babies are often calm and do not cry.  She was breathing though and radiant.  My heart leapt with joy and gratitude for all of the grace and mercy that had been poured over me to give me this precious moment, this beloved child.  Thank you just wasn't enough for my Jason, my Shell and all of the kind people who blessed me with their care.  I sat there in that tub for some time just staring at her.  I am not even certain I formed many words.  The moment was breathtaking and I was awestruck.  What a kind and loving God to give such a gift as this tiny little person so fearfully and wonderfully made.  After some time, I needed to move to the bed to start the aftercare process.  Jason took our girl for some skin to skin time.  The picture of him holding our girl, the smile on my beloved's face will forever be written on my heart.  His adoration filled that entire room.  It was difficult if not impossible for every single person not to just stare.  Oh that sight!  That love spilling over into every heart.  Surely God has rewarded us and shown us such favor!  

Selah Grace Hampton

Born at 12:30pm

9lbs 3oz.

21 inches