Furnace of affliction

This grief is unfolding, layer after mysterious layer.  I am in a foreign land.  I am undone, in agony.  I don’t have the equipment or the fortitude to face what lies before me.  My baby is dead.  He is not coming home.  Somewhere in the recesses of my heart, I wanted to believe that he was on a vacation for little people.  Each day that passes reminds me, I don’t get to raise my son.  I am in anguish.  I feel a sense of longing that will never be quenched this side of heaven.  I ache for him.  How will I endure a life without him?  I am sick with grief.  I cannot even seem to find a break from this grief when my body finally gives in to sleep.  My chest feels heavy and my heart literally hurts.  I cannot escape this pain.  

Somewhere in the mysterious space where God’s sovereign plan meets our free will, Haddon went home to be with Jesus.  In that very moment, we entered the furnace of affliction.  I have known grief.  I have endured hardships and trials.  This.  This is agony.  Even in the deepest of pain, I believe this most painful providence has and will refine me.  Hard is not the absence of good.  The furnace must be good for something when you are chosen for it.

Isaiah 48:10 Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.


The KJV uses the word chosen.  ‘I have chosen thee in the furnace of affliction.’ That word is personal, even intimate.  Charles Spurgeon furthered this by saying, “It is no mean thing to be chosen by God.”  He continued, "God's choice makes chosen men choice men … we are chosen, not in the palace, but in the furnace. In the furnace, beauty is marred, fashion is destroyed, strength is melted, glory is consumed; yet here eternal love reveals its secrets, and declares its choice."

I have nothing.  I can do nothing in this grief except for yield to the One who chose me for it.  I do not understand this, but who am I that I should shake my fist at God for taking my son?  Who am I?  In all of His majesty and glory, He gives and He takes away.  He is not wrong.  He is not selfish.  He is not punishing me.  He is good.  He is kind.  He is love.  If His aim is to refine me through fire, here I am.  I will worship.  I will yield.  I am His.  

I am a child of the Most High.  I am reminded that He is near.  He is with me.  When Shadrach, Meshach & Abednego were thrown into the fiery furnace, He was there.  Do you remember what Nebuchadnezzar sees?  He sees a fourth man in the fire.  Jesus is there.  He is here now.  He is near to the broken-hearted.  He is here in this paralyzing grief.  He is here in the midst of my agony.  I do not understand what He has done or what He will do, but I will worship.  He is my only hope, my only comfort.  

Psalm 23
1The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want. 
2He makes me lie down in green pastures.
He leads me beside still waters. 
3He restores my soul.
He leads me in paths of righteousness
for his name's sake. 

4Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me. 

5You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies;
you anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows. 
6Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
all the days of my life,
and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

These aren’t Christian platitudes.  Those taste so foul right now.  Thy rod and staff comfort me.  If He has chosen me for the furnace, I want brokenness over bitterness.  If this calamity, this devastation means I know Him in this suffering, I give way.  

 I give way to you, Oh Lord.  I have nothing. I am nothing without your grace and mercy.  Oh God, I am yours and You, You are mine.  Oh God, won't you bind up my broken heart (Psalm 147:3).  Your Word says a bruised reed you will not break (Isaiah 42:3).  Oh Lord, you have counted my tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8).  You are near.  You knew suffering, and you know mine even better than I do.  You know all things and you know the depth of my need.  Make good on your promises, Oh God.  Do your bidding in my heart.  I am yours and I am in need. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY 

Comments

  1. James R. "Jim" BaileyJuly 25, 2018 at 5:50 AM

    Beautiful words. When i lost my beloved wife 5 years ago, I found the Psalms to be of immense comfort. Stay close to the Lord (like you wrote above) and be patient with yourself. You cannot grieve if you have not loved, and the more you loved, the deeper the grief. Talk to your loved ones, talk with the Lord. Yell at Him if thats how you feel -He can take it. His healing will come but it will take time, and there will be some scarring. But He loves you, and He will ALWAYS take care of you. Blessings to you in this tough journey.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownJuly 28, 2018 at 5:49 PM

    Marri,
    My heart aches for you every day. I often cry myself thinking of the pain & anguish you & your family are going through. I wonder why, no one ever deserves to lose a child, but you are & have always been the kindest, happiest, most sincere person I have ever known. You are the last person on Earth who should deal with this torture. I pray for God to ease your pain for God to give you the strength you need in your moments of weakness. I pray God allows your family to find peace. I'm so sorry, I wish I could help, I wish I could find the right words or perfect gift. Please know that you are an inspiration, you are a light in this world, you are the change this world desperately needs. So I am so sorry for your grief & pain, but I am so thankful there are people like you who lead by example.

    ReplyDelete
  3. UnknownAugust 6, 2018 at 9:16 PM

    We suddenly lost our 2 y/o daughter 3 days after your son died. Thank you for the gift of these words.

    ReplyDelete
  4. michaelbelowOctober 23, 2021 at 5:51 AM

    This article is nicely written. A very well written guide to take care of your furnace.
    http://www.cosmopolitanmechanical.ca/

    ReplyDelete

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