Our Yes in Him
A few days after Haddon died, I was sitting on the couch with Calvin by my side. In an instant, I remembered that I had prayed the identical prayer that I had prayed over Haddon when Calvin was born.
"God, please spare my son. If he lives or if he dies, I will worship You, but please Lord, please spare my son."
You see, when I got pregnant with Calvin, I was astounded. We had waited years for him, quietly. We did not pursue fertility doctors, but we prayed and waited on the Lord for years. When he was born, he was quickly rushed to the NICU. He weighed 10 lbs 1 oz and was 2.5 weeks early. Our doctors couldn't figure out if he had underdeveloped lungs from gestational diabetes or if he had aspirated meconium during birth. Nonetheless, he was quickly intubated and instead of improving, he kept requiring more of the ventilator. I remember the NICU attending coming to sit with Jason and me to explain that the vent settings were maxed out and that he couldn't promise that Calvin was going to make it. There was nothing more they could do but wait to see if he improved. Jason and I prayed the same incredibly tender prayer over our son whom we had waited so long for. I remember through tears saying to God, "If you take him home, you have still given us the greatest gift we have ever received outside of our own salvation." God said yes to that prayer. He has said yes to me more times than I can recount, but He said yes to my begging that He spare my son, our Calvin Isaac. He has said yes when I never even mumbled a word in prayer. He has given me more than I ever deserved. He is worthy in His yes and He is worthy in His no.
The story of Job has been near to my heart and to Jason's heart in this ocean of grief. Job understood that God is worthy in the good times and in the bad times. Job lost more than I can fathom and did not curse God. That astounds me. If you aren't familiar with his story, please give it a read. After losing all of his children and possessions he said, "Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:20–21) Even his wife prodded him to curse God. He replied with, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10)
So, two days after Haddon's death I sat there with my big 9 year old boy curled up next to me just living in my head a bit. I recounted just days before how we gave the most devastating news to the rest of our children. All of them were curled up on Jason and me on our queen-sized bed in the basement, weeping over the news that God had said no to our pleas to spare Haddon's life. My heart ached as all of our children agonized over this bitter providence. They wailed. All of them. They all echoed the same sentiment. They said, "But Momma, we prayed so hard! But Daddy, we have never prayed so hard in our life!" They just wept bitterly. Even in the depth of my own grief, I was so thankful that Jason and I could hold them, could tell them that God is good even in this. We tenderly explained that we don't understand God fully, but that Haddy's death does not negate all that they know about our good God. We explained that we will still worship and praise God even though He said no.
In the tenderness of all of that remembering, I pulled that long-legged 9 year old boy into me and I whispered this truth in his ear, "God has said yes to us so many times." Again, I recounted the story of his birth. He knows it well. His eyes alone told me that he still hoped in God. Quickly, Calvin began listing other times that God had said yes. He is right. God has said yes and has blessed us so richly. I never dreamed I would have a handful of children. I never imagined the richness of His grace in raising them. I have been lavished with love that far surpasses my understanding through the shed blood of Jesus Christ. I am profoundly sad. I am still rich. Richest for knowing God's grace and mercy, and rich for the innumerable gifts He has given to me. This sorrow isn't the absence of joy.
1 Corinthians 15:55-57
"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
I wanted to raise all five of my children more than I could write words on a page. I delight in my children. They truly are the apple of my eye. They are good, tender gifts from above, but they are His first. They are His creation, created in His image for His good purposes. More than wealth, knowledge or happiness, I want them to know the depth of God's grace and mercy. Haddy knows it fully now. I will be honest in saying that I am reeling against death in this grief. In the grip of God's mercy, I can cling to the truth that because of Jesus' death on the cross we have victory over sin and death. My feelings don't always align with the text above. After all, I do not get to raise my son. I will miss him every day that I breathe air in my lungs, but I will not curse God. I will cling to the truth of His Word. In the greatness of this mystery, I will worship Him.
"God, please spare my son. If he lives or if he dies, I will worship You, but please Lord, please spare my son."
You see, when I got pregnant with Calvin, I was astounded. We had waited years for him, quietly. We did not pursue fertility doctors, but we prayed and waited on the Lord for years. When he was born, he was quickly rushed to the NICU. He weighed 10 lbs 1 oz and was 2.5 weeks early. Our doctors couldn't figure out if he had underdeveloped lungs from gestational diabetes or if he had aspirated meconium during birth. Nonetheless, he was quickly intubated and instead of improving, he kept requiring more of the ventilator. I remember the NICU attending coming to sit with Jason and me to explain that the vent settings were maxed out and that he couldn't promise that Calvin was going to make it. There was nothing more they could do but wait to see if he improved. Jason and I prayed the same incredibly tender prayer over our son whom we had waited so long for. I remember through tears saying to God, "If you take him home, you have still given us the greatest gift we have ever received outside of our own salvation." God said yes to that prayer. He has said yes to me more times than I can recount, but He said yes to my begging that He spare my son, our Calvin Isaac. He has said yes when I never even mumbled a word in prayer. He has given me more than I ever deserved. He is worthy in His yes and He is worthy in His no.
The story of Job has been near to my heart and to Jason's heart in this ocean of grief. Job understood that God is worthy in the good times and in the bad times. Job lost more than I can fathom and did not curse God. That astounds me. If you aren't familiar with his story, please give it a read. After losing all of his children and possessions he said, "Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” (Job 1:20–21) Even his wife prodded him to curse God. He replied with, “You speak as one of the foolish women speaks. Shall we indeed accept good from God and not accept adversity?” (Job 2:10)
So, two days after Haddon's death I sat there with my big 9 year old boy curled up next to me just living in my head a bit. I recounted just days before how we gave the most devastating news to the rest of our children. All of them were curled up on Jason and me on our queen-sized bed in the basement, weeping over the news that God had said no to our pleas to spare Haddon's life. My heart ached as all of our children agonized over this bitter providence. They wailed. All of them. They all echoed the same sentiment. They said, "But Momma, we prayed so hard! But Daddy, we have never prayed so hard in our life!" They just wept bitterly. Even in the depth of my own grief, I was so thankful that Jason and I could hold them, could tell them that God is good even in this. We tenderly explained that we don't understand God fully, but that Haddy's death does not negate all that they know about our good God. We explained that we will still worship and praise God even though He said no.
In the tenderness of all of that remembering, I pulled that long-legged 9 year old boy into me and I whispered this truth in his ear, "God has said yes to us so many times." Again, I recounted the story of his birth. He knows it well. His eyes alone told me that he still hoped in God. Quickly, Calvin began listing other times that God had said yes. He is right. God has said yes and has blessed us so richly. I never dreamed I would have a handful of children. I never imagined the richness of His grace in raising them. I have been lavished with love that far surpasses my understanding through the shed blood of Jesus Christ. I am profoundly sad. I am still rich. Richest for knowing God's grace and mercy, and rich for the innumerable gifts He has given to me. This sorrow isn't the absence of joy.
1 Corinthians 15:55-57
"O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?”
The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.
I wanted to raise all five of my children more than I could write words on a page. I delight in my children. They truly are the apple of my eye. They are good, tender gifts from above, but they are His first. They are His creation, created in His image for His good purposes. More than wealth, knowledge or happiness, I want them to know the depth of God's grace and mercy. Haddy knows it fully now. I will be honest in saying that I am reeling against death in this grief. In the grip of God's mercy, I can cling to the truth that because of Jesus' death on the cross we have victory over sin and death. My feelings don't always align with the text above. After all, I do not get to raise my son. I will miss him every day that I breathe air in my lungs, but I will not curse God. I will cling to the truth of His Word. In the greatness of this mystery, I will worship Him.
2 Corinthians 1:20
For all the promises of God find their Yes in him. That is why it is through him that we utter our Amen to God for his glory.
This song has been good for my soul. For years, we have sat in these truths. They have served us well in this grief.
Love you precious lady! Your words bring so much comfort!!!
ReplyDeleteMy heart goes out to you, Jason, and your precious children. I pray that someday peace surpasses all understanding. Love ya'll!
ReplyDeleteMarri you are such an inspiration. I still cal you and your family out in prayers. Love reading your post.
ReplyDelete