Conflicted

788 days.  I know Mommas who would have loved to have that many.  I am thankful that I got 788 days to see his face.  Still, it just wasn't enough.  The truth is I really don't want this to be my lot, my life.  I am still feeling restless, anxious, and uncertain.  I can't shake it.  Oh, how I wish all of those emotions would pack up and leave.  I can accept sad, even full of sorrow.  I expect that.  Tragedy has done something to me though.  It has me completely gripped with pain, but the anxiety and uncertainty feel like intruders. They make me angry, frustrated, and impatient.  No doubt, I have PTSD.  I mean, unfortunately, that's not shocking.  The triggers though, they always are.  I gave Selah a bottle of ice water a week or so ago.  She loves lemon in her water like her Momma.  So, I did just that.  I found the bottle days later, gave a mom sigh, and took it to the sink to clean.  I couldn't get the lemon out.  It was full of water.  Full of water... Full of water...  There I was, standing at the kitchen sink physically, but living in the horrifying moments leading to my son's death.  My heart was pounding and my breathing was labored.  Marri, pull it together!  It's a freaking lemon!  I took a few deep breaths, and tried my best to move my thoughts to something different.  I want to be able to will myself out of those moments.  I can't.  Everywhere I turn I am reminded of the death of my son.  That is inevitable.  Many of those reminders though, remind me of the life he lived and instead hold an aching emptiness because he isn't here.  The swing at the park, his bedroom, his high chair, his cute little fish tank top...vacant.  Haddon is dead.  It plays on repeat in my head as if I am trying to convince myself of the truth as I robotically move through the moments of my day.  Then the pendulum swings and huge waves of grief crash over me and sometimes for days.  I weep, and weep, and weep.  I cry so hard that I nearly vomit.  I calm down to prevent the mess, and then I start again.  My thoughts are full of questions.  How did this happen to me?  To mine?  Why God?  How do I move past this?  Do I want to?  How do I keep moving forward when everything in my life is full of conflicted emotions?  Will I ever be okay?  I have never felt so out of control.  God, please help me!  I believe, help my unbelief! 

I know this sharing of mine today is weighty and maybe even discouraging.  So many just want me to be okay.  The truth is I want to feel differently.  I just don't.  I have mountains to climb, layers to unfold, and more unknowns than I could dare to put words around now.  My dreams, my heart are shattered.  The thing that keeps me is not my unwavering faith or some forced, mechanical formula for avoiding doubt, anger, or bitterness.  I can't do all the right things to achieve 'healthy grieving'.  My performance can't keep me, but Jesus can.  God fulfilled all of the promises he made in Jesus.  He is my keeper, in the very midst of the messiest of feelings.  I hate conflict.  I hate feeling conflicted, but I do.  Every single waking moment.  He isn't shocked by the severity of my emotions.  The further I move from that dreadful day, the more I believe that God is a keeping and staying God.  You see, the questions that constantly pour out in prayer to God are my raw, aching thoughts and feelings.  I promise you they are deeper and darker than this blog post.  Everything in my entire life is impacted by the death of my son.  Nothing is untouched.  I feel uncertain, afraid, anxious, and confused.  God is not surprised.  He knit me up in my mother's womb.  He knows my form, my every thought.  So, I am bringing my raw, shattered heart, my thoughts, and feelings to Him.  I don't want to imply that it is okay to run full force into every feeling with disregard for the truth of God's character, the truth of His Word.  I don't believe that how I feel is somehow more true than what I believe due to the strength of those emotions.  I truly believe that anger and bitterness are powerful emotions that give us a temporary feeling of control, but they rob us of life and joy.  I am also quite certain that self-righteousness and pride will ruin me in this grief as well.  I am asking God to help me to discern when those creep in.  I love and fear God.  Of that, I feel certain.  So, I am asking that my mind can instruct my heart in all of these conflicting emotions.  Anger, bitterness, pride, and self-righteousness can so easily creep into this storm swirling around me, but God...He is so faithful.  He is so, so faithful.

About a month ago, I was running.  I have been exercising for some time now with the hope of my physical health making a positive impact on my emotional and spiritual health.  It is simply one way I am fighting for joy.  With every thud of my feet on the pavement that day, my body screamed.  I just wept as I ran, crying out to God.  I was telling Him how much I just want Haddy.  In the midst of my feeble, weak body screaming under the stress of what I was forcing it to do, He reminded me of something so sweet.  Do you JUST want Haddy?  I wept some more.  Oh Lord, I have sinned against You, my holy God.  Yes, sometimes the honest answer is yes.  Then, I felt flooded by Love.  Truly, by the grace of God, I want Jesus.  More than anything that I have, more than anything at all, I want Him.  I didn't deserve all of this good life that I have.  These good gifts come from the Giver.  I have sinned grievously against my good God, and he gave me Jesus.  God's love for me is boundless, endless, and immeasurable.  He is also the One who told me no.  For those who may struggle with that thought, it is honestly my only comfort.  If God's hand wasn't involved in the death of my son, then His hands were tied?  If you take away God's sovereignty because it somehow impacts God's goodness or kindness, then I just see him as impotent.  I simply can't cope at all.  Right now, I feel like I have been stripped bare.  I know though, that my God is the God of all comfort (2 Cor 1:3-5).  I feel alone sometimes because this grief can feel so isolating, but I am definitely not alone.  In Deuteronomy 31:8, the Bible says, "It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.”  Sometimes feelings are liars.  Sometimes they are not.  In this furnace of affliction, I am believing that God Himself will burn away that which needs to go from my sinful heart.  He will sort out my fierce emotions and align them with Truth, and above all He will keep me.  I may feel conflicted, but He is not. 

 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Deuteronomy 29:11

Friends, do you ever feel conflicted?  Are you every confronted with the truth about something that contrasts with how you feel?  I know God is in control.  I know that He is good.  I know that He loves me.  Still, I am struggling with feeling alone, with anxious thoughts, and I am afraid.  When you feel conflicted, what do you do with the hope to resolve the conflict in your heart?  I am finding that my methods are really weak, but that the person of Jesus is not.  I am seeking Him, not just His good gifts.  Good counsel is helping me too, helping me to think rightly.  My tribe is pointing me to Jesus.  Exercise and eating nutritious foods is helpful too.  Everything pales in comparison to knowing Jesus.  What stirs your affections for Him?  Will you join me in pursuing Him?  I am a mess in more ways than I can depict in this silly blog.  I know this.  In my pursuit of Him, I am really just learning to breathe in my grief because I see HIS pursuit of me more clearly.  He came.  He served.  He loved.  He died to give me life and life abundantly.  I may not feel all of these truths, but I really do want to preach those truths to my own mind and heart in this fiery furnace.  I want transformation through this suffering.  I want God's glory on display.