Anguish & Prayer

A week or so ago, I laid on the grave of my son and wept alone.  With my body curled against the cool fall earth, I wailed for the longing within me unanswered, unquenched.  As my head rested on his stone, I watched my tears fall on his name.  My son’s name is carved in stone, and my mind and heart still just want to scream ‘No!’  He went Home in my arms, his brain was giving way where his breath life was already gone.  Never was there any sign of life in his small body after those moments he postured for the last time.  Despite my effort, despite my pleading in faith for a miracle, my Lord said ‘He’s mine’ and took him Home.  Final destination.  My heart hurts so much that it physically aches within me.  Four months have passed.  I had hoped that would lessen with a little time.  Most days I don’t know how I will go on like this, aching, longing, and so weary from the pain of losing him.

For Haddon;
Haddon James Hampton.  My son, I wasn’t done yet.  Kissing your cheeks or running my fingers through your hair.  I wasn’t done yet.  I wanted all of your growing, squirmy, boyish grins, your messy curiosity, and pure hearted cheerfulness to morph before my eyes.  You were a lovely combination of characteristics and I was waiting patiently to watch you blossom, to see Him mold you into a boy.  Your mind, your thoughts would become your own and you would teach me with your passion and playfulness to slow down and remember God’s goodness.  I was waiting with hopeful expectation.  I didn’t want you to go Home so soon.  Oh how I wanted to see your giant baby hands and feet grow into strong man hands like your Daddy’s.  Your wonder certainly would have followed you into manhood and served you well in your faith.  Your awe was matched by your intimacy.  That longing for communion and unity made you quick to apologize, my love, just like your Daddy.  That quality grows up and makes boys into men.  We are still enamored with love for you my son.  We know you do not lack anything, absolutely anything, but we are missing you every moment.  Our home feels too quiet without your squeals of delight.  I am certain of this one thing though, you know God’s goodness, His mercy, His grace is more than enough to carry us through.  You know God’s love has not left us alone in our aching for you.  You are so loved, sweet one.  

For my Lord;
Oh God,You made his form so beautiful and intricate.  You created him with your purpose in mind for his life, but I am in this position of deep longing, unquenched.  I am reeling.  The truth is, I don’t want him there.  I want him here, nestled in bed on this Sunday morning throwing elbows and making his Daddy groan as he wakes.  You know how my heart aches for my boy, every fine detail is a loss.  Yet You, Oh Lord, You are more worthy of my trust than anyone or anything.  You are more sure than the ground beneath me, and Your ways are not my ways.  Your thoughts are not my thoughts.  This plan isn’t mine.  It is Yours.  So, here I am.  You have my heart, my life and I intend to wait on You with hopeful expectation.  You have given and You have taken away.  I will bless your name.

You are holy and You are worthy.  You have surrounded me with more love than I ever dared to imagine.  Your gifts are so, so good, but You are my delight.  You are lifting us up from the pit and You alone can refine us through the fire. I know that my mind and heart cannot fathom the depth of your love, or understand why this providence is mine to bear.  Yet, I will worship You and I will praise Your name.  Your name will be on my lips.  I am in awe of your kindness upon me in my worst.  Your gentleness in going before me has been a salve to my soul.  I can see now, Your weaving the tapestry of my life in preparation for this affliction.  I can feel Your presence as we grieve, as we wait.  You have not left me alone, and you never will.  Of this, I have sweet assurance.  Your mercy is palpable to my shattered heart.  For You, my heart sings.  You are my comfort, my fortress, and my peace.

Oh Lord, will you whisper those sweet nothings from me into my boy’s ears?  Will you give him those tender kisses on his cheeks like I always did?  I know yours are better than mine, but it was my deepest honor.  I am thankful for every one.  I know he is lacking nothing in Your presence.  In that truth, I find rest.  I am incredibly thankful that Haddy is without any of this sorrow.  I miss talking to him terribly Lord.  I find comfort in speaking to him but nothing like the comfort I have in You.  For you certainly hear my cries for help and You answer me.  Oh God, I am thankful that you shield Haddon from all of this pain.  Thank you for giving me your Word, your promises to cling to.  You know my heart struggles with so much mystery.  You know that I am weak, but Oh Lord, You are my strength and my portion.

Psalm 116:15
Precious in the sight of the Lord
is the death of his saints.

Philippians 1:21
For to me to live is Christ, and to die is gain.

These truths are etched on my heart through pain.  You have given me that gift in this.  Your Word is my light in the darkness.  I am undone, but I am not without hope.  I am uncertain of how I will press on, yet confident that You are making a way where there seems to be no way.  I think my miracle may be the healing of my broken heart.  On You, I wait.  I love you with all that I have and all that I am.

Love,
Your daughter

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