In my Living and in my Dying, May I Honor You




To live is Christ, to die is gain.  Philippians 1:21


This verse has been etched on my heart through profound suffering.  As a young girl, I felt a sense of confidence that I could live for Christ but fear that I’d abandon Him if called to die.  As a bereaved mother, that script was flipped.  I’ve felt confident that if called to die for Christ, that I’d gladly go.  Without a second of hesitation, I would’ve given my life for Haddon.  Yet, as I’ve weighed what it means to truly live since Haddon’s death, I’ve been met with incredible trepidation.  How will I do this?  That deep confidence I held as a child has been replaced with a severe longing to go Home.  Daily my thoughts played on repeat, I want to go Home.


In time after Haddon’s death, my Lord gave me a deep yearning to go Home well.  When those cyclical patterns of thought would begin, I’d pray with intention.  Lord, I want to go Home well.  Recently, that simple prayer has progressed into a resolve that I cannot yet place into words adequately.  It is infused with hope and determination that strangely feels like it isn’t my own.  Maybe because that has been foreign to me or maybe it’s just a gift.  I have no idea.  The resolve though to move forward, to fight to live comes after much darkness, toiling, and lament.  I’m not done yet with any of that…darkness, toil, or lament that is.  Nonetheless, I have a growing acceptance for the need of it on this side of heaven.  Please do not mistake me, I am not all healed up from the death of my child or any other tragedy I’ve endured.  I’m awkwardly, slowly moving forward, but WITH Christ and subsequently abiding hope.  


As we sang the words, Death where is your sting, grave your victory? Love has conquered all, today I sang them with tears flooding my face and rolling down my neck.  I sang them to God in a deep wrestle even still.  


Christ is risen from the dead

Trampling over death by death

Come awake, come awake!

Come and rise up from the grave


Christ is risen from the dead

We are one with Him again

Come awake, come awake!

Come and rise up from the grave


Oh death! Where is your sting?

Oh hell! Where is your victory?

Oh Church! Come stand in the light

The glory of God has defeated the night

Oh death! Where is your sting?

Oh hell! Where is your victory?

Oh Church! Come stand in the light

Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive


Do you hear it?  Do you hear the wooing of God to your heart in those words?  Gracious, I do.  Come awake!  Live Marri!  Rejoice, for He is risen!  Rejoice, death is defeated!  These words flowed from my lips so weakly but with a fervency to get them out in my determined whisper-cry to God.  I will rejoice You for YOU. ARE. WORTHY.  


Today, on Easter as we sit in immeasurable gratitude for our Savior who chose death for the payment of our sin without having any sin Himself, I come again as I have so many times to this simple phrase.  He is worthy.  He is worthy of every mountain we’ll climb, truth we’ll wrestle to accept,and every aching moment where we practice endurance or self control.  He is worthy of our living and our dying.  He is worthy of our obedience.  He is worthy of suffering well.  Every painstaking step of anguish toward the One whose love is boundless is worthwhile.  Every doubt of my own doubt is worthy because He is truly worthy.  More worthy than I can begin to comprehend.  


I pray that your Easter was intimate, that you sense that you actually are drawn near to the One whose love changed everything.  I know my feelings don’t always match what is true.  I pray that today, your hearts are lifted and eyes are open to God’s glory and His kindness.  In my living and in my dying, help me to honor You. 


 

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