Suffering

"God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." The Problem of Pain - C.S. Lewis

I won't lie. I am struggling deeply with the montrosity of this thing called suffering. I can answer some questions in my head about why my precious Savior allows such things, but really I just know that I'm skimming the top of the depths by which His mysteries are known. My heart struggles in ways I don't even know how to express.

If you don't know me, I am a nurse. I work on the Stem Cell Transplant Unit at Riley Children's Hospital. Simply put, we do bone marrow transplants for children with cancer predominately. It is hard, sad and gut-wrenching at times but so full of hope too. Anyway, this is only a piece of the pie for why I find myself in the center of this struggle, but nonetheless it is one reason I find my heart so full of questions and pain. Really, I am just not open enough to share all that brings me here but this job that He has placed me in has me meandering through hardships, trials and turmoil that is simply beyond me. Sometimes what I see and experience is just deafening, blinding. I don't know how to navigate it at all. After spending so many years in the Emergency Department at Methodist, I have experienced the intentional numbing of my own heart and mind. It was intentional yet somehow also subconcious and in short order I found myself without God-designed coping and a real mess. So here I am, making an attempt to understand and comprehend the vastness of my Lord with regard to pain and suffering. I love Him. I trust Him. I want to understand Him.

So what provokes me to write about this? Well, a few things. I read an article recently on msn.com about these two dudes named Ryan and Chad Arnold. In brief, one guy gave part of his liver to his brother and died, giving him life. It just so happens that both of these men love Jesus very much. The brother that lived has a blog. You should check it out on www.cometoofar.com. Amazing! The other would be a lovely momma that I met at work who has blogged about the journey she and her family are trekking with their child who has cancer.

So this may seem a bit anticlimactic but this really is a thread of my thoughts that will certainly reappear later in this blog. I wanted to get some of it out here, to hear from all of you. I need to process a little. Most of all, I need to pray alot and seek my Lord that He would navigate me tenderly through the truth of His Word. I need alot more rest and peace here because I'm just not there. So I want to leave you with this quote.

"Suffering is like a pile of rocks. You can choose to carry the load, throw them at someone, just let it lay there, or you can build an altar."— Chad Arnold Journal entry called, "Stepping Stones."

My husband recently preached a sermon with this same thought. When we encounter the mystery of God either through His Word or our experiences in life, it deems building an altar to worship Him in His mystery and greatness. With a heavy heart, I do just that. I will worship Him.

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